Ask Mr. Bartley

Tom Bartley is a retired educator and currently is the director of the Success By 6 Program, located at the Family Support Council, 1529 Waring Road in Dalton. He can be reached at P.O. Box 1707, Dalton, Georgia 30722 or successby6@email.com

January 2012

Most of us are aware of the recent events of a Penn State assistant football coach and a Syracuse University assistant basketball coach being charged with multiple counts of alleged sexual abuse of children and that a number of school administrators have also been charged with failing to properly report the allegations.

While the alleged perpetrators will be the focus of much of the discussions about these issues, we should also be asking ourselves “What could have been done to prevent these children from being harmed”?

The questions being asked by local authorities are a) who had earlier suspicions and who received reports about the assistant coaches’ behaviors, b) did those in a position of authority meet both the letter and the spirit of the law when the reports came to their attention, and c) what changes in policy must be made?

It is important to remember that about 90% of sexual abuse cases involve a person close to and known to a child (40 to 60% of cases actually happen in the home.); stranger danger is real, but it is a much smaller percentage of sexual abuse cases. Sexual abuse is much more prevalent than we realize; it is an under reported and silent crime. Research shows that about one in four girls and one in six boys are sexually abused before the age of 18. Experts say many people who witness sexual abuse often remain silent, too horrified to report what they have seen. People worry that if they say something they could ruin somebody’s life, not really thinking about the horrendous effects this event will have on the child involved and other children the perpetrator may abuse in the future.

These incidents at the two universities point to the facts that:

* It is the not the responsibility of the children to keep themselves safe; it is adults' responsibility.

* Abuse can happen to any child, regardless of wealth or social status.

* We all have a role to play in the development of our children and that includes becoming involved in situations where children’s well-being is or can be jeopardized.

Situations such as these in a child’s life could result in life-long adversities including a greater potential for mental health and health issues, substance abuse, delinquency, and criminal behavior that cost our nation $104 billion to remediate when abuse and neglect are not prevented.

Children need our help to stay safe. You can take an active role in children’s lives by:

* Being involved in both the activities children are involved in and the people

* Talking to children regularly about what they’re doing can help you stay alert for possible problems.

* Knowing about sexual predators and sexual behavior problems and how they work.

* Teaching children important skills to help them protect themselves. Make sure they know they can talk to you about anything that’s bothering them or if they feel mixed-up or confused.

* Being alert for signs of sexual abuse. If you suspect or are told abuse, report it right away.

The things parents and others should look for as possible symptoms of sexual abuse are:

* Stained or torn underwear.

* Trouble walking, sitting or going to the bathroom.

* Difficulty swallowing or eating.

* Depression, anxiety, anger or mood swings.

* Fears of certain places, people or activities.

* Nightmares or sudden fear of the dark.

These children may act out sexually or show knowledge of sex that’s not appropriate for their age; show self-destructive behaviors, such as pulling their hair or cutting their skin; and act younger that their age, such as wetting the bed or sucking their thumb.

Parents usually know when something is wrong and should trust their instincts.

As parents we can:

* Believe the child - children usually don’t make up stories of sexual abuse.

* Be careful with questions - try to find out as much as you can about what happened, but avoid leading questions.

* Report it!

All children should know that they can come to you or another adult if they feel mixed-up or confused, or if someone is not listening when they set limits about play

Teach children:

* The right names of their body parts. Research tells us that children who know the correct name for body parts are less likely to be abused.

* When they should talk to you - for example, when any behavior confuses them and when touching or other situations make them feel uncomfortable, mixed-up or confused.

* When not to keep secrets - help children understand the difference between secrets and surprises.

* That no one has the right to touch them if they don’t want to be touched.

Much of the above information is from Prevent Child Abuse America.

December 2011

Christmas is fast approaching, and many parents are concerned about their family’s financial situation and the money problems they may be experiencing this holiday season. As if poor economic times, job losses, rising food prices, stock market instability, and skyrocketing health care costs aren't enough, parents now have the added concern of finding available money to put a few presents under the Christmas tree. This column is adapted from an article by Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman, parenting experts.

The giving of gifts during the holiday season is an honored tradition. However, this year many parents are wondering what gifts they will give as they tighten their money belts and attempt to weather the financial storm through the holidays.

Maybe the answer lies in the gifts that are given. Give children what they really want from their parents: presence, not presents. All children spell love T-I-M-E. What we parents can give to our children is our attention, our availability, our closeness, and our time.

Are you being fully present with your children? Can you let go of your worries about money? Can you suspend your agenda to focus on theirs? Can you learn to be there for and with your children?

Consider the following suggestions as a way to give the most important present this holiday season, your presence.

Be there regardless of what you are doing. The holiday season requires an added measure of balancing kids' schedules, visiting family, and cooking as well as keeping up the regular requirements of work, laundry, cleaning, everyday cooking, etc. When feeling pulled in several directions, many parents turn to multitasking. Avoid the urge to multitask and strive to stay focused on the moment at hand. When you sit with your children, whether it’s to play a game or read a book, give them your undivided attention.
Make a "be" choice. How you choose to "be" affects whatever you choose to “do.” When you are with your children, choose to be interested in what they are interested in. Choose to be happy that you have the time to focus on their needs and wants. Choose to be excited about the time you have with them. Even when misbehavior occurs in your children, choose to be glad that you have the opportunity to help them learn a new behavior or a new way to communicate a desire or express a feeling.
Focus on listening rather than telling. Children spend a great portion of their day following directions: pick up your clothes, make your bed, sit down, be quiet, go play, chew with your mouth closed, stop picking on your brother, hang up your coat, brush your teeth. To kids, the list of commands seems unending. Remember, children have valuable things to say too. Many times parents get so focused on telling that they forget to listen. Value your children's opinions. Allow them opportunities to vent. Embrace their points of view. Invite suggestions. Listen to their voices.
Connect physically. Touch is a powerful way to communicate "I love you." Get close and touch your children’s heart with a warm embrace or a gentle squeeze of the shoulder. Snuggle under a blanket and read together. Go for a walk and hold hands. Wrestle on the living room floor. Dispense hugs, smiles, winks and an occasional high five.
Connect emotionally. Feelings are always more important than things. Create an environment where it is safe to be emotional. Encourage the expression of feelings. Allow your feelings to extend to your children as you share traditions, reflect on holidays past, and gather as a family. Demonstrate empathy, compassion and understanding.
Unplug from the electronic world. The television, computer, video games, and other electronic gadgets have the potential to create a disconnect from personal interaction. While riding in the car, tell your children a story about the day they were born or relate a favorite holiday memory. Play a board game together. Stand up, walk away from the TV, and go shoot baskets, skip rope, go for a walk, read a book, or ride bikes with your child.
Play by the kids' rules. Play with your children at their level. Make mud pies, jump in rain puddles, roll down a hill, spray whipped cream on the kitchen table and join in the creation of artistic designs, and then eat them! Cover the driveway in sidewalk chalk. Let your children take the lead and change the rules of a game if they want. Know that play, no matter how childish or silly it may appear, is an investment in connecting with your children. Play regularly with your kids, and remember that the reason for play is to play, not to win.

Make a commitment this holiday season to give the best gift you can give by being present in your child’s life. Be active and interactive on a daily basis with your children. Be the parent God called you to be. Give your presence, not presents!

October 2011

Red Ribbon Week

Red Ribbon Week is the oldest and largest drug prevention campaign in the country. Although the start and end dates can vary slightly depending on the organization and source, Red Ribbon Week generally takes place the last full week in October, with the weekends before and following the last full week included as appropriate celebration dates. This year Red Ribbon Week will be celebrated October 22-30, 2011.

Red Ribbon Week serves as a vehicle for communities and individuals to take a stand for the hopes and dreams of our children through a commitment to drug prevention and education and a personal commitment to live drug free lives with the ultimate goal being the creation of drug free America.
And, perhaps more importantly, Red Ribbon Week commemorates the ultimate sacrifice made by DEA Special Agent Enrique "Kiki" Camarena, who died at the hands of drug traffickers in Mexico while fighting the battle against illegal drugs to keep our country and children safe.

Camarena grew up in a house with a dirt floor. He had hopes and dreams of making a difference. He worked his way through college, served in the Marines, and became a police officer. When he decided to join the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, his mother tried to talk him out it. "I can't not do this," he told her. "I'm only one person, but I want to make a difference."

The DEA sent Camarena to work undercover in Guadalajara, Mexico investigating a major drug cartel believed to include officers in the Mexican army, police and government. He was extremely close to unlocking a multi-billion dollar drug pipeline.

On Feb. 7, 1985, the 37-year-old Camarena left his office to meet his wife for lunch. Five men appeared at the agent's side and shoved him in a car and kidnapped him. One month later, Camarena's body was found in a shallow grave. He had been brutally tortured to death.

Within weeks of his death in March of 1985, Camarena's Congressman, Duncan Hunter, and high school friend Henry Lozano, launched Camarena Clubs in Imperial Valley, California, Camarena's home. Hundreds of club members pledged to lead drug-free lives to honor the sacrifices made by Camarena and others on behalf of all Americans. These pledges were delivered to First Lady Nancy Reagan at a national conference of parents combating youth drug use. Several state parent organizations then called on community groups to wear red ribbons during the last week of October as a symbol of their drug-free commitment.

The first Red Ribbon Week celebrations were held in La Mirada and Norwalk, California. In 1988, the National Family Partnership (NFP) coordinated the first National Red Ribbon Week with President and Mrs. Reagan serving as honorary chairpersons.

Today, Red Ribbon Week is nationally recognized and celebrated, helping to preserve Special Agent Camarena's memory and further the cause for which he gave his life. The Red Ribbon Campaign also became a symbol of support for the DEA's efforts to reduce demand for drugs through prevention and education programs. By wearing a red ribbon during Red Ribbon Week, Americans demonstrate their ardent opposition to drugs. They pay homage not only to Special Agent Camarena, but to all men and women who have made the ultimate sacrifice in support of our nation's struggle against drug trafficking and abuse.

Here are just a few ways to celebrate Red Ribbon Week. I’m sure you can think of many more.

· Wear a red ribbon yourself, and encourage your relatives, your friends, your neighbors, your boss, and your coworkers to do the same.

· Place red ribbons and bows all over the community - office buildings, posts, trees, billboards, mailboxes, bicycles, dogs, buses, car antennas, front doors, fire trucks, police cars, hospitals, schools, churches, offices, businesses, etc.

· Hold decoration contests.

· Involve Civic Clubs, volunteer organizations such as the Senior Citizens, youth organizations such as YMCA, Boy and Girl Scouts, and Sunday School classes.

· Invite a speaker to talk to your school, organization, or business about current drug trends, and the harmful effects of tobacco, alcohol, and other drugs on lives, families, brains, bodies, and futures.

· At school, involve English, Social Studies, Science, Health, Speech, Journalism, and Audio-Visual Communications classes in research and reports regarding the current use and harmful effects of tobacco, alcohol and other drugs. Mathematics, and Economics classes could examine the effect on our economy regarding the costs of drug use, law enforcement, and public health care.

· Take 5 minutes of yours and your child's time to express clearly your stand on the use of tobacco, alcohol, and other drugs.

· Make family pledge cards and everybody in the family sign one.

· Write thank you letters to businesses in your community for celebrating Red Ribbon Week.

Let’s work to make this a drug free community.

September 2011

Back to School

Now that school is back in session, it’s time for parents to remember how important you are to your children’s success and happiness in school. Whatever your child’s experience last year —and whatever your past involvement in your child’s education last year — the new school year offers the possibility of a fresh start, for parents and children. Here are five basic stepsfor making sure that your child’s school experience is the best it can be. This information is from the Family Information Services website.

Be sure your child is physically ready for learning each day. This means having enough sleep on school nights and beginning the morning with a healthy breakfast. It also means living in a home environment in which family members treat each other with kindness and respect. High conflict at home creates stress for all members and can seriously undermine a child’s readiness to learn.

Show genuine interest in your child’s school experience, each and every day. Ask your child to tell you about the school day. What topics did they discuss? What stories did they read? What fun things did they do at recess? Ask to see school work, encourage your child to read aloud for you, or have your child teach you something new from science or math class. When you show that school is interesting to you, it will be more interesting to your child.

Work with your child to establish a daily homework routine. Make sure that your child has a quiet, comfortable place to work. Figure out with your child the schedule that works best, knowing that some kids do best if they do their homework right away after school, while others benefit from some play time before they focus on their assignments. It often helps to set aside family reading time when everyone does quiet reading or homework without TV, radio, or ipods to distract them. This can be followed by a family snack and a game or a favorite TV show.

Communicate regularly with the teacher. Don’t wait until there’s a problem, but let the teacher know that you are invested in your child’s learning. Exchange notes or make an occasional phone call to find out how your child is doing and what the teacher needs from you to support and encourage your child’s school success. When you hear good reports from the teacher, tell your child how proud you are. And by all means, never let your child hear you criticize a teacher.

Visit the school. Attend conferences, open house, performances, and other special events. If possible, volunteer to chaperone a field trip, read to children in your child’s classroom, eat lunch, or offer to teach a class about your career or hobby. Regardless of your child’s age, showing up at school tells them how much you value their education. And it sends a strong message to your children’s teachers that you are their partner in providing the education that your children deserve.

August 2011

10 Mistakes Parents Often Make

While we all love our kids, in this day and age of two working parents and insane schedules, we tend to cut corners and neglect important things. That being said, here are 10 mistakes parents sometimes make.

1) Spoiling kids…
There is no doubt that parents love their kids and want them to have all the things they didn’t. However, this comes at a price. A ton of well-intentioned parents have ended up spoiling their kids to such a degree that the kids aren’t even happy with all the stuff they have. This causes them to never be satisfied and always want more. Junior doesn’t need one more piece of “stuff”; what he needs is some special time with his parents. Think of it this way: how will they ever be prepared for disappointment throughout their life—or learn to be thankful for anything?

2) Inadequate discipline…
When you’re too busy or tired to adequately discipline your kids, you pass the “little devil” you’ve created on to your relatives, teachers, coaches, and his friends’ parents. Children should be much better behaved when they leave the house and visit elsewhere than they are even at home. If you don’t discipline your kid, someone else will—and you may not like it.

3) Failing to get involved at school…
School is where your kids will spend more time than any place besides your home. It’s also the place that will have the most responsibility for shaping their life—from teachers and your kids’ peers. That being said, how can you not want to be involved in what’s going on there? It doesn’t matter if it’s you or your spouse: your family needs to have a presence at that school. And don’t use work as an excuse—take a vacation day if you need to. Or you can take your lunch hour to have lunch at school with your child and maybe spend a few minutes in the classroom. You’ll see immediately that it’s time well spent. Always attend parent-teacher conferences, and you should have at least an e-mail relationship with their teacher. It’s a great way for that teacher to see that you’re interested in your child’s development, and the teacher can alert you to anything concerning that may be going on with your son or daughter.

4) Praising mediocrity…
While we all want to encourage our kids to do well and build their self-esteem, there is a point of going too far. Building a child’s self-esteem is great, but having a big party for a mediocre accomplishment skews what they view as a real achievement. One big place we see this is in sports. A participation trophy for anyone over the age of 6 or 7 just ends up devaluing the meaning of a real trophy. It happened in my own household when my children were young. I wasn’t against it then, but I have since changed my mind. I saw with my own kids that those trophies didn’t mean anything, and they have long since been thrown away. However, I do know that many parents disagree with this belief.

5) Not giving kids enough responsibility…
Your kids should not be expecting any payment for doing chores around the house. It’s a home, not a hotel. That being said, an allowance is a great idea … for extra work. They should be pulling their weight as part of the family. If they grow up without enough responsibility, how in the world do you expect them to hold down a job, or get through college? When they get “of age,” make sure they’re taking some of the burden off you around the house—from unloading the dishwasher to emptying the garbage to making up their beds. While they’re not your slaves, they sure aren’t on a permanent vacation, either.

6) Not being a good spouse…
How you treat your husband or wife is very important to the way your kids will develop relationships, especially as adults. If you treat your spouse poorly, or if your only way to settle any kind of dispute is to yell and scream at each other, you’re teaching your kids to handle themselves the same way. Kids learn from watching you much more than they learn from listening to you. If you treat your spouse with love and respect, it will also show your kids the value of their family. It will also make them feel their family is a safe haven in what can be a dark, scary world.

7) Setting unreal expectations…
When dealing with kids, you need to set reasonable expectations for them—especially the little ones. If you want to go out to a nice dinner and expect your 2-year-old to sit there like a little prince, you are setting yourself up for major disappointment. Also, if you have visions of a football star and your son weighs 80 pounds and likes to play the clarinet, you need to reset those expectations. Don’t have unreal expectations for your kids: The main expectation you should have is for them to be happy.

8) Not teaching kids to fend for themselves…
Many parents tend to baby kids these days and cater to their every need, and that eliminates the value of hard work and becoming independent as they grow into adults. Kids nowadays expect everything to be done for them, from cleaning their room to band-aids for hurt feelings. Teaching them to toughen up and do things on their own doesn’t mean that you love them less; it means you love them more.

9) Pushing trends on kids…
Let kids be kids. Parents shouldn’t push their trends or adult outlook on life on their kids. Just because it was your life’s dream to marry a rich guy doesn’t mean we need to see your 4-year-old daughter in a “Future Trophy Wife” t-shirt. The same goes for the double ear piercing—that’s what you want, not them. Teaching kids about your passions is great, but let them grow up to be who they are. It’s hard enough for kids to figure out who they are in the world without you trying to turn them into what you couldn’t be.

10) Not following through…
Most of us parents have trouble with this one. If you’re telling your kids that they’ll be grounded if they break curfew one more time, for example, you’d better follow through. Unfortunately, following though on punishments or promises makes your life a little more difficult, but building trust is what’s most important. If you’re not true to your word, your kids will assume anything you say is just talk. Then you have a real problem on your hands. You’ll also end up with kids who don’t trust their parents. Just remember, be careful about what you say. Be sure it’s realistic and won’t punish you more than your kids. That old saying “Choose your battles” is especially appropriate here.

This column was adapted from an article by Craig Playstead, a freelance writer and happily married father of three living in the suburbs of Seattle.

July 2011

Myths of Effective Discipline

Most of us parents find value in holding our children accountable for their actions. We rightly believe that if a child misbehaves, something needs to be done or the misbehavior will continue. To that end, we parents often look for a multitude of discipline strategies. We look for books, articles, and parenting advice from others that will tell us exactly what we need to do in order to correct misbehavior. As we compile our stockpile of discipline strategies, we often do not realize that some of these techniques are filled with myths, misunderstandings, and misinterpretations. The following information is adapted from an article by Chick Moorman and Thomas Halle, the authors of “The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose.” Here are some myths of discipline that Moorman and Halle attempt to dispel.

MYTH: Children learn more quickly from punishment than they do from consequences.

FACT: While it is true that you sometimes get a more immediate result with punishment, it is the consistent implementation of consequences that produces long-term behavior change in children. With punishment, the child is more like to focus on you, your behavior, your anger, than on themselves and the results of the choices they made. Learning rarely results from punishment because children are too busy activating resentment, resistance, and reluctance. They are more likely to spend their time thinking how not to get caught next time than they are of the cause and effect relationship between their behavior and the consequences which follow.

MYTH: Consequences need to be severe to be effective.

FACT: It is not the severity of a consequence that has impact. It is the certainty. The certainty that specific, logical consequences follow actions, allows children to understand the discipline process. Your consistency in implementing consequences is the glue that holds a discipline strategy together. Children learn that if they choose to leave their bike in the middle of the driveway, the bike will be hung up in the garage for a few days. Teenagers come to know that if they choose to visit off limit sites on the computer, they have chosen to lose computer privileges for several days. When the consequence occurs consistently, children can count on it.

MYTH: The discipline has to be immediate or the effect will be lost and the child will simply repeat the behavior.

FACT: Discipline can be effective whether it is immediate or delayed. How you discipline is more important that when you do it. You might want to take 15-20 minutes to think through how you want to respond to a particular behavior. Helping children see the cause and effect relationship that exists between the choices they make and the consequences that are directly related to those choices is more important than whether the consequences occurs immediately or the next day.

MYTH: Parents need to be in control of their children and discipline strategies are the way to stay in control.

FACT: Effective discipline calls for the parents to arrange consequences so that the child is in control. They set it up so that the child is in control of his choices and thus controls the outcomes which result.

Consequences are not used to control, to manipulate, to demonstrate power, or to get even. Attempting to use consequences for control crosses the line and becomes punishment.

Punishment is force, unrelated to the behavior and comes across as retribution. Disciplining from the power stance places the child in a position of being “done to” by others in a position of authority. The child, feeling powerless, does not see himself as being in control of the outcomes. He sees himself as the victim.

When children see themselves as in control of whether or not they experience consequences or outcomes, they are empowered. They learn to see themselves as the cause of what happens to them. They realize they personally create the results which show up in their lives by the choices they make. For example, if your son hits his little sister after being told why he should not, he made the choice, not you, that he is going to have to write her a letter of apology. It is therefore, our children who need the power and the control for discipline to be effective.

MYTH: Discipline strategies are effective only if they get the child to comply.

FACT: Compliance or noncompliance by the child has nothing to do with the effectiveness of a discipline system. When discipline strategies demand compliance such as in the case where the parent keeps increasing the severity of the punishment until the child complies, children learn that adults have power and they don’t.

In the use of consequences, the effort does not concentrate on making the child comply. The goal is to present choices, allow the child to choose, and then give them room to learn from the positive or negatives outcomes which occur. With the consequence system, children learn a lesson from either the positive or the negative outcome.

Punishing a child with increasing severity until they pick up their toys might get them to pick up their toys. It will not teach them to take responsibility for their toys or create internal motivation to produce the desired behavior.

With consequences, the choice is presented, “You can choose to pick up your toys or you can choose to leave them here. If you choose to pick them up you will have decided to use them for the next week. If you decide to leave them here, I will pick them up, and you will have decided not to have them available for a week. You decide.” With this style of discipline, the child may choose to pick up his toys and he may choose to leave them there. Either way it’s perfect. If he picks them up, it’s perfect. You don’t have to. If he leaves them there, it’s perfect. It’s the perfect time to help him learn what happens when he chooses not to pick up his toys.

MYTH: When you implement a discipline strategy, the child needs to know that you are angry.

FACT: Anger is not helpful in a discipline situation. When you discipline in anger the child’s attention focuses on your strong emotion. He looks outward to the person applying the punishment rather than inward to his own internal reaction to the results of the choice he made.

Sincere empathy is much more effective than anger in a discipline situation. “I am so sorry. I’ll bet that next time you are allowed to go out, you will respect curfew,” is empathy that maintains a positive connection between you and the child, even as you hold them accountable for their actions. When the child hears empathy, instead of anger, he is more likely to look inside and to notice the connection between cause (his choice) and effect (the consequence).

MYTH: Children have to know they were wrong for discipline to be effective.

FACT: Making children wrong for their behavior is counter-productive to raising responsible children. An effective discipline system does not make children right or wrong for their behavior. It simply holds them accountable for their behavior.

If your child fails to put his bike in the garage as agreed, don’t make him wrong. Don’t make him lazy. Don’t make him forgetful. Don’t make him irresponsible. Don’t blame him Just make him someone who doesn’t get to ride his bike for three days as agreed to earlier.

Even if the problem occurs over time, refrain from making your child wrong. Blaming and faultfinding don’t help children learn how to make different choices and behave differently in the future. Fixing the problem is more important than fixing blame. Together, join in the search for solutions and model for your child that you value solving problems more than you do assigning blame and handing out punishments.

MYTH: It is important to point out the pattern of a child’s behavior.

FACT How many times a behavior occurred in the past is unimportant. The focus in any effective discipline system is the present behavior. The past is over and done with, and the present moment is the only place where learning can take place.

Remember, your role as a parent is to empower your children to be responsible, caring and, confident as they move through the developmental stages of childhood. Avoiding these discipline myths can help you play out that role effectively.

April 2011

Tom Warmer weather is approaching and with it the seemingly inevitable news that a child has died from heat stroke while trapped in a vehicle.

It has happened in February with temperatures in the low 70’s. But typically around the middle of March we hear of the first event of the year – a disturbing, horrific incident of an infant or toddler dying from being trapped in a sweltering car.

The risks and causes of these hyperthermia deaths are well-known, and this tragic mishap occurred 49 times in 2010 – the worst year since records have been kept.

Parents running quick errands may think their cars will remain cool; but even on mild days, temperatures inside vehicles can rise to dangerous levels in just minutes. A young child’s core body temperature can increase three to five times faster than that of an adult, causing permanent injury and even death.

The family car parked in the driveway can also be dangerous. Unlocked cars pose serious risks to children who are naturally curious and often lack fear. Once they crawl in, young children often don’t have the developmental capability to get out. About one-third of heat-related deaths occur when children crawl into unlocked cars while playing and become trapped.

Here are some tips on protecting your children:

Heat:

Never leave your child in an unattended car, even with the windows down, even for a few minutes.

Check to make sure all children leave the vehicle when you reach your destination, particularly when loading and unloading. Don’t overlook sleeping infants.

Make sure you check the temperature of the child safety seat surface and safety belt buckles before restraining your children in the car.

Use a light covering to shade the seat of your parked car. Consider using windshield shades in front and back windows.

Trunk Entrapment:

Teach children not to play in or around cars.

Keep car keys out of reach and sight.

Always lock car doors and trunks, especially when parked in the driveway or near the home.

Keep the rear fold-down seats closed to help prevent kids from getting into the trunk from inside the car.

Be wary of child-resistant locks. Teach older children how to disable the driver’s door locks if they unintentionally become entrapped in a motor vehicle.

Contact your automobile dealership about getting your vehicle retrofitted with a trunk release mechanism.

If your child gets locked inside a car, get him out and dial 9-1-1 or your local emergency number immediately.

Let’s make summer a fun and happy time with no tragedies of children being left unattended in parked cars.

March 2011

Burn Prevention

Did you know that young children’s skin is thinner than older children and adults, and their skin burns at lower temperatures and more deeply?

Since burns are recognized as one of the most painful and devastating injuries a person can sustain and survive, you should be armed with the information to keep your children safe from this devastating injury. This information is from Safe Kids USA.

Each year, 465 children ages 14 and under die due to unintentional fire or burn-related injuries. According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), children ages 3 and younger are at greatest risk. The most common cause of hospitalizations for children under 5 years of age is scald burns caused by hot liquids. Burn Awareness Week was celebrated in February. This year one of the focus areas is preventing scald burn injuries.

A scald is a burn from hot liquid or steam.
60% of all scald injuries are to children ages 0-4. (National Center for Health Statistics)
Children have thinner skin than adults which can result in a more severe burn.
The most common places children experience scalds are in the kitchen or dining rooms and in the bathrooms.
The maximum recommended residential water temperature is 120˚F (48˚C).

It is It is important to remember that children, especially those ages 4 and under, may not perceive danger, have less control of their environment, may lack the ability to knowledge to escape a life-threatening burn situation and may not be able to tolerate the physical stress of a burn injury.

He Here are tips to help keep your kids safe around the house.

KITCHEN AND HOT FOOD

Keep children at least 3 feet from hot appliances, pots, pans or food.
Use spill-resistant mugs when drinking hot liquids around children.
Avoid using tablecloths or anything a child can pull on and cause hot food to spill.
When cooking, use back burners and keep pot handles turned towards the back of the stove.
Always tuck cords from appliances where children cannot reach them.
Never hold a child when cooking something hot.
Test and stir all food before serving children to make sure it is cool enough to eat.
Supervise children closely when they are in or near the kitchen.

BATHROOM

Always test the bath water with your hand before bathing children.
When children are in or near the bath, watch them closely checking the water temperature frequently. If you are unable to control the temperature that comes out of your faucet, install special tub spouts or shower heads that can shut off the flow of water when it gets too hot.

February 20011

The recent tragedy in Tucson has brought the issue of firearm safety to the forefront. Firearm violence has become a public health crisis in the United States. Guns are widely available in our society and are kept in millions of American homes. According to the Center to Prevent Handgun Violence, almost 8.7 million children and adolescents have access to handguns, and many are either unaware of or ignore the possible consequences of handling these lethal weapons.

School-age children are curious about and often attracted to guns. They sometimes see guns as symbols of power. So do many adolescents and adults.

The availability of handguns in settings where children live and play has led to a devastating toll in human lives, reflected in some sobering statistics: Every two hours, someone's child is killed with a gun, either in a homicide, a suicide, or as a result of an unintentional injury. In addition, an unknown but large number of children are seriously injured--often irreversibly disabled--by guns but survive. Major trauma centers are reporting an increase of 300 percent in the number of children treated for gunshot wounds; in fact, one in every twenty-five admissions to pediatric trauma centers in the U.S. is due to gunshot wounds.

A gun in the home is forty-three times more likely to be used to kill a friend or family member than a burglar or other criminal. To compound this problem, depressed pre-teenagers and teenagers commit suicide with guns more frequently than by any other means.

We have a constitutional right to own a gun. However, many parents with children in the home choose not to own a gun. In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics advises parents that the best way to keep your children safe from injury or death from guns is to not have a gun in the home. But, if you choose to have firearms in your home, adhere to these rules for gun safety:

Never allow your child access to your gun(s). No matter how much instruction you may give him or her, a youngster up through the middle years is not mature and responsible enough to handle a potentially lethal weapon.
Guns (preferably unloaded) and ammunition should be locked away safely in separate locations in the house; and make sure children don't have access to the keys.
Guns should be equipped with trigger locks.
When using a gun for hunting or target practice, learn how to operate it before ever loading it. Never point the gun at another person, and keep the safety catch in place until you are ready to fire it. Before setting the gun down, always unload it. Do not use alcohol or drugs while you are shooting.
Gun cleaning supplies, which are often poisonous, should also be kept out of reach.

Even if you don't have guns in your home, that won't eliminate your child's risks. Half of the homes in the U.S. contain firearms, and more than a third of all accidental shootings of children take place in homes of their friends, neighbors, or relatives.

Here is some important information you need to communicate to your youngsters:

Let them know that risks of gun injuries may exist in places they visit and play.
Tell them that if they see or encounter a gun in a friend's home or elsewhere, they must steer clear of it, and tell you about it.
Talk with the parents of your child's friends, and find out if they have firearms in their home. If they do, find out in a respectful way if they keep them unloaded, locked up, and inaccessible to children.
When a child is old enough to interact with others, even if he doesn't speak yet, he probably has a good idea of what guns are. According to the National Institute on Media and Family, the average child sees 200,000 violent acts on television (including 40,000 murders) by high school graduation. These numbers do not include what children see in movies or on the internet. Make sure your children understand that violence on TV, in the movies, and online is not real. They need to be told--and probably reminded again and again--that in real life, children are killed and hurt badly by guns. Although the popular media often romanticize gun use, youngsters must learn that these weapons can be extremely dangerous.
The Eddie Eagle Program of the National Rifle Association offers the following four-step approach to gun safety for kids: stop, don't touch, get away, and tell an adult. Kids need to be reminded of these 4 steps over and over again.

Your priority as a parent must be to protect your children from harm. If you have questions or concerns about this issue, discuss it with your child's pediatrician.

January 2011

Ever wonder what happened to the family dinner hour? Or for that matter the family dinner half hour? Monday is Soccer Practice, Tuesday is Piano lesson, Wednesday is Church Activities, Thursday is a Soccer Game, and Friday is some other activity to attend. A number of other events will fill up the weekend. Moms often feel like professional schedulers and taxi drivers and become increasingly irritable as they go from one activity to the next. Maybe you and your children are over scheduled. This information is from an article by Kimberly Chastain, a family therapist.

In the past few years, we have seen a marked increase in children with anxiety and depression. Children are now saying they are ‘stressed out’. Children no longer seem to have time just to “goof off” and just be kids – “goof off time” is not on the schedule.

Parents need to guard their children and themselves to protect children’s unscheduled time to be children. Children need time to create their own games and also to learn to entertain themselves. Children often want us to entertain them or the television instead of figuring out how to play by themselves. My guess is guess that some of your fondest memories as a child were playing out in the backyard with some friends and really doing nothing in particular, just laughing, playing, talking and just ‘hanging out’.

Here are ten suggestions to keep your family from being over scheduled:

1. Each child in the family has one or two outside activities (i.e. sports, music lessons) besides church activities.

2. If your child wants to add an activity they may consider giving up a current activity in exchange for the new one.

3. Set family nights on your calendar. Order a pizza and play board games. No one can schedule anything on family night.

4. Help your child learn to say “No” and help set appropriate limits on their activities away from home.

5. Do not say “Yes” to any new activity for yourself or child till you have weighed the costs (i.e. financial, emotional, loss of family time, etc.).

6. Assess your irritability quotient. Do you find yourself frequently saying, “Hurry up, we are going to be late?” How can you slow down? What can you give up?

7. Resolve to eat dinner together as a family at least 3 times a week, even if it is just sandwiches before you head out to a game or lesson.

8. Schedule “goof-off” time for your family and children. Give your child down time to explore a hobby or play outside.

9. Set priorities for your family. How many hours a week do you want to be together as a family?

10. Take time as a family to enjoy God’s creation away from home. Examples: Go to a park, go for a bike ride, go hiking, etc.

As parents you are modeling for your children how to handle stress and how to balance our time. What lessons are we teaching our children? The Bible tells us in Psalm 46:10, “Be still, and know that I am God…” In our hurried society, we are teaching children to “Be harried and know that I am God.” Make the time to slow down and enjoy the gift of your children.

December 2010

The following information is adapted from an article by Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman, parenting and relationship experts. Christmas is fast approaching, and many parents are concerned about their family’s financial situation and the money problems they may be experiencing this holiday season. As if poor economic times, job losses, rising food prices, stock market instability, and skyrocketing health care costs aren't enough, parents now have the added concern of finding available money to put a few presents under the Christmas tree.

The giving of gifts during the holiday season is an honored tradition in most homes. Many parents are wondering what they will give this year as they tighten the money belt and attempt to weather the financial storm through the holidays.

Perhaps the answer lies in the gifts that are given. Give children what they really want from their parents: presence, not presents. All children spell love T-I-M-E. What we can give to them is our attention, our availability, our mindfulness, our closeness, and our time.

Are you being fully present with your children? Can you let go of your worry about money and the giving of gifts? Can you suspend your agenda to focus on theirs? Can you learn to be there for and with your children?

Consider the following suggestions as a way to give the most important present this holiday season, your presence.

Be there regardless of what you are doing. The holiday season requires an added measure of balancing kids' schedules, visiting family, and cooking elaborate meals as well as keeping up the regular requirements of work, laundry, cleaning, everyday cooking, etc. When feeling pulled in several directions, many parents turn to multitasking. Avoid the urge to multitask and strive to stay focused on the moment at hand. When you sit with your children, whether it’s to play a game or read a book, give them your undivided attention.
Make a "be" choice. How you choose to "be" affects whatever you choose to “do.” When you are with your children, choose to be interested in what they are interested in. Choose to be happy that you have the time to focus on their needs and wants. Choose to be excited about the time you have with them. Even when misbehavior occurs in your children, choose to be glad that you have the opportunity to help them learn a new behavior or a new way to communicate a desire or express a feeling.
Focus on listening rather than telling. Children spend a great portion of their day following directions: pick up your clothes, make your bed, sit down, be quiet, go play, chew with your mouth closed, stop picking on your brother, hang up your coat, brush your teeth. The list of commands seems unending. Remember, children have valuable things to say too. Many times parents get so focused on telling that they forget to listen. Value your children's opinion. Allow them opportunities to vent. Embrace their point of view. Invite suggestions. Listen to their voice.
Connect physically. Touch is a powerful way to communicate "I love you." Get close and touch your children’s heart with a warm embrace or a gentle squeeze of the shoulder. Snuggle under a blanket and read together. Go for a walk and hold hands. Wrestle on the living room floor. Dispense hugs, smiles, winks and an occasional high five.
Connect emotionally. Feelings are always more important than things. Create an environment where it is safe to be emotional. Encourage the expression of feelings. Allow your feelings to extend to your children as you share traditions, reflect on holidays past, and gather as a family. Demonstrate empathy, compassion and understanding.
Unplug from the electronic world. The television, computer, video games, and other electronic gadgets have the potential to create a disconnect from personal interaction. While riding in the car, tell your children a story about the day they were born or relate a favorite holiday memory. Play a board game together. Stand up, walk away from the TV, and go shoot baskets, skip rope, or ride bikes with your child.
Play by the kids' rules. Play with your children at their level. Make mud pies, jump in rain puddles, roll down a hill, spray whipped cream on the kitchen table and join in the creation of artistic designs, and then eat them! Cover the driveway in sidewalk chalk. Let your children take the lead and change the rules of a game if they want. Know that play, no matter how childish or silly it may appear, is an investment in connecting with your children. Play regularly, and remember that the reason for play is to play, not to win.

November 2010

Eating Dinner Together

Sharing dinner as a family can be difficult. You’re working late, the kids have soccer practice, music lessons, and dance and karate classes; and no one can agree on what food they want!

Here are some easy ideas for making family dinner a tradition in your house:

Pick a Day and Stick To It. On Sunday, look at everyone’s schedule and decide which day will be most convenient for the whole family. Then, stick to that schedule – no excuses! Soon, you’ll have created a tradition that your whole family looks forward to.

Encourage Your Kids to Pick the Menu and Help Prepare. Have a few picky eaters in the house? Let your kids help plan the menu, and then take some weight off the cook by letting the kids help with the preparation. When everyone has a say, you’ll have fewer complaints; and the whole family will enjoy the evening more.

Turn Off the TV. Family dinner is a time to really connect – not tune out! Ask your children what they learned in school today, and tell them about your work day. This is also a great time to talk with your kids about what’s going on in your family and your neighborhood.

Keep Conversation Positive. Use this opportunity to encourage your children and to bring closure to their busy days. Also, make sure everyone gets a chance to speak and share. You’ll be amazed at how 30 or 45 minutes spent sharing a meal together can positively impact you and your children.

Why is eating together as a family very important? First, it’s a great way to connect with your kids. Second, research shows that the more often children eat dinner with the whole family; the less likely they are to engage in risky behaviors. Compared to teens who have frequent family dinners, those who have infrequent family dinners are three and a half times likelier to have abused prescription drugs; three and a half times likelier to have used an illegal drug other than marijuana or prescription drugs; three times likelier to have used marijuana; more than two and a half times likelier to have used tobacco; and one and a half times likelier to have drunk alcohol, according to a new report by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University and sponsored by The Safeway Foundation.

The report, The Importance of Family Dinners IV, also reveals that compared to 12- and 13-year olds who have frequent family dinners, those who have infrequent family dinners are six times likelier to have used marijuana; more than four and a half times likelier to have used tobacco; and more than two and a half times likelier to have used alcohol.

Among 14- and 15-year olds, those who have infrequent family dinners are three times likelier to have used marijuana and two and a half times likelier to have used tobacco compared to those who have frequent family dinners.

Among 16- and 17-year olds, those who have infrequent family dinners are twice as likely to have used marijuana and almost twice as likely to have used tobacco compared to those who have frequent family dinners.

So this fall, make time for family dinner at least once or twice a week. It's a great way to connect and make memories that will last.

October 2010

Red Ribbon Week is the oldest and largest drug prevention campaign in the country. This year Red Ribbon Week (actually 8 days) will be celebrated October 23-31, 2010. Red Ribbon Week serves as a vehicle for communities and individuals to take a stand for the hopes and dreams of our children through a commitment to drug prevention and education and a personal commitment to live drug free lives with the ultimate goal being the creation of drug free America. Red Ribbon Week began to commemorate the ultimate sacrifice made by DEA Special Agent Enrique "Kiki" Camarena, who died at the hands of drug traffickers in Mexico while fighting the battle against illegal drugs to keep our country and children safe.

Camarena grew up in a house with a dirt floor. He had hopes and dreams of making a difference. He worked his way through college, served in the Marines, and became a police officer. When he decided to join the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, his mother tried to talk him out it. "I can't not do this," he told her. "I'm only one person, but I want to make a difference." The DEA sent Camarena to work undercover in Guadalajara, Mexico investigating a major drug cartel believed to include officers in the Mexican army, police and government. He was extremely close to unlocking a multi-billion dollar drug pipeline.

Today, Red Ribbon Week is nationally recognized and celebrated, helping to preserve Special Agent Camarena's memory and further the cause for which he gave his life. The Red Ribbon Campaign also became a symbol of support for the

DEA's efforts to reduce demand for drugs through prevention and education programs. By wearing a red ribbon during Red Ribbon Week, Americans demonstrate their ardent opposition to drugs. They pay homage not only to Special Agent Camarena, but to all men and women who have made the ultimate sacrifice in support of our nation's struggle against drug trafficking and abuse.

Here are just a few ways to celebrate Red Ribbon Week. I’m sure you can think of many more.

* Wear a red ribbon yourself, and encourage your relatives, your friends, your neighbors, your boss, and your coworkers to do the same. * Place red ribbons and bows all over the community - office buildings, posts, trees, billboards, mailboxes, bicycles, dogs, buses, car antennas, front doors, fire trucks, police cars, hospitals, schools, churches, offices, businesses, etc.

* Hold decoration contests.

* Involve Civic Clubs, volunteer organizations such as the Senior Citizens, youth organizations such as YMCA, Boy and Girl Scouts, and Sunday School classes.

* Invite a speaker to talk to your school, organization, or business about current drug trends, and the harmful effects of tobacco, alcohol, and other drugs on lives, families, brains, bodies, and futures.

* At school, involve English, Social Studies, Science, Health, Speech, Journalism, and Audio-Visual Communications classes in research and reports regarding the current use and harmful effects of tobacco, alcohol and other drugs. Mathematics, and Economics classes could examine the effect on our economy regarding the costs of drug use, law enforcement, and public health care.

* Take 5 minutes of yours and your child's time to express clearly your stand on the use of tobacco, alcohol, and other drugs.

* Make family pledge cards and everybody in the family sign one.

* Write thank you letters to businesses in your community for celebrating Red Ribbon Week.

Let’s work to make this a drug free community.

August 2010

Back to School Tips

With School starting, I thought it would be a good idea to review these back to school tips from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP).

MAKING THE FIRST DAY EASIER

Remind your child that he is not the only student who is a bit anxious about the first day of school. Teachers know that students are anxious and will make an extra effort to make sure everyone feels as comfortable as possible.
Point out the positive aspects of starting school: It will be fun. He'll see old friends and meet new ones. Refresh his positive memories about previous years, when he may have returned home after the first day with high spirits because he had a good time.
Find another child in the neighborhood with whom your youngster can ride with on the bus.
If you feel it is appropriate, drive your child (or walk with her) to school and pick her up on the first day.

BACKPACK SAFETY

Choose a backpack with wide, padded shoulder straps and a padded back.
Pack light. Organize the backpack to use all of its compartments. Pack heavier items closest to the center of the back. The backpack should never weigh more than 10 to 20 percent of your child’s body weight.
Always use both shoulder straps. Slinging a backpack over one shoulder can strain muscles.
Consider a rolling backpack. This type of backpack may be a good choice for students who must carry a heavy load. Remember that rolling backpacks still must be carried up stairs.

TRAVELING TO AND FROM SCHOOL
School Bus

If your child’s school bus has lap/shoulder seat belts, make sure your child uses one at all times when in the bus.
Wait for the bus to stop before approaching it from the curb.
Do not move around on the bus.
Check to see that no other traffic is coming before crossing.
Make sure to always remain in clear view of the bus driver.
Children should always board and exit the bus at locations that provide safe access to the bus or to the school building.

Car

All passengers should wear a seat belt and/or an age- and size-appropriate car safety seat or booster seat.
Your child should ride in a car safety seat with a harness as long as possible and then ride in a belt-positioning booster seat. Your child is ready for a booster seat when she has reached the top weight or height allowed for her seat, her shoulders are above the top harness slots, or her ears have reached the top of the seat.
Your child should ride in a belt-positioning booster seat until the vehicle's seat belt fits properly (usually when the child reaches about 4' 9" in height and is between 8 to 12 years of age). This means that the child is tall enough to sit against the vehicle seat back with her legs bent at the knees and feet hanging down and the shoulder belt lies across the middle of the chest and shoulder, not the neck or throat; the lap belt is low and snug across the thighs, and not the stomach.
All children under 13 years of age should ride in the rear seat of vehicles. If you must drive more children than can fit in the rear seat (when carpooling, for example), move the front-seat passenger’s seat as far back as possible and have the child ride in a booster seat if the seat belts do not fit properly without it.
Remember that many crashes occur while novice teen drivers are going to and from school. You should require seat belt use, limit the number of teen passengers, do not allow eating, drinking, cell phone conversations or texting to prevent driver distraction; and limit nighttime driving and driving in inclement weather. Familiarize yourself with your state’s graduated driver license law and consider the use of a parent-teen driver agreement to facilitate the early driving learning process.

Bike

Always wear a bicycle helmet, no matter how short or long the ride.
Ride on the right, in the same direction as auto traffic.
Use appropriate hand signals.
Respect traffic lights and stop signs.
Wear bright color clothing to increase visibility.
Know the "rules of the road."

Walking to School

Make sure your child's walk to a school is a safe route with well-trained adult crossing guards at every intersection.
Be realistic about your child's pedestrian skills. Because small children are impulsive and less cautious around traffic, carefully consider whether or not your child is ready to walk to school without adult supervision.
If your child is young or is walking to new school, walk with them the first week to make sure they know the route and can do it safely.
Bright colored clothing will make your child more visible to drivers.
In neighborhoods with higher levels of traffic, consider starting a “walking school bus,” in which an adult accompanies a group of neighborhood children walking to school.

EATING DURING THE SCHOOL DAY

Most schools regularly send schedules of cafeteria menus home. With this advance information, you can plan on packing lunch on the days when the main course is one your child prefers not to eat.
Send healthy choices as snacks, such as fresh fruit, low-fat dairy products, water and 100 percent fruit juice.
Each 12-ounce soft drink contains approximately 10 teaspoons of sugar and 150 calories. Drinking just one can of soda a day increases a child's risk of obesity by 60%. Restrict your child's soft drink consumption.

BULLYING

Bullying is when one child picks on another child repeatedly. Bullying can be physical, verbal, or social. It can happen at school, on the playground, on the school bus, in the neighborhood, or over the Internet.

When Your Child Is Bullied

Help your child learn how to respond by teaching your child how to:
1. Look the bully in the eye.
2. Stand tall and stay calm in a difficult situation.
3. Walk away.
Teach your child how to say in a firm voice.
1. "I don't like what you are doing."
2. "Please do NOT talk to me like that."
3. "Why would you say that?"
Teach your child when and how to ask for help.
Encourage your child to make friends with other children.
Support activities that interest your child.
Alert school officials to the problems and work with them on solutions.
Make sure an adult who knows about the bullying can watch out for your child's safety and well-being when you cannot be there.

When Your Child Is the Bully

Be sure your child knows that bullying is never OK.
Set firm and consistent limits on your child's aggressive behavior.
Be a positive role mode. Show children they can get what they want without teasing, threatening or hurting someone.
Use effective, non-physical discipline, such as loss of privileges.
Develop practical solutions with the school principal, teachers, counselors, and parents of the children your child has bullied.

When Your Child Is a Bystander

Tell your child not to cheer on or even quietly watch bullying.
Encourage your child to tell a trusted adult about the bullying.
Help your child support other children who may be bullied. Encourage your child to include these children in activities.
Encourage your child to join with others in telling bullies to stop.

BEFORE AND AFTER SCHOOL CHILD CARE

During middle childhood, youngsters need supervision. A responsible adult should be available to get them ready and off to school in the morning and watch over them after school until you return home from work.
Children approaching adolescence (11- and 12-year-olds) should not come home to an empty house in the afternoon.
If alternate adult supervision is not available, parents should make special efforts to supervise their children from a distance. Children should have a set time when they are expected to arrive at home and should check in with a neighbor or with a parent by telephone.

DEVELOPING GOOD HOMEWORK AND STUDY HABITS

Create an environment that is conducive to doing homework. Youngsters need a permanent work space in their bedroom or another part of the home that offers privacy.
Set aside ample time for homework.
Establish a household rule that the TV set stays off during homework time.
Supervise computer and internet use.
Be available to answer questions and offer assistance, but never do a child's homework for her.
Take steps to help alleviate eye fatigue, neck fatigue and brain fatigue while studying. It may be helpful to close the books for a few minutes, stretch, and take a break periodically when it will not be too disruptive.
If your child is struggling with a particular subject, and you aren't able to help her yourself, a tutor can be a good solution. Talk it over with your child's teacher first.

July 2010

Single Parenting

About one in four American children today lives in a single-parent home. And though the circumstances may vary (many parents are divorced, a few are widowed, and others are single parents by choice), the reality is that solo parenting is often stressful, demanding, and hectic. If you are a single mom or dad, there are 10 things you can do to help minimize the stress in your life -- and bring back the joy of parenting. This information is from Americanbaby.com.

1. Get a handle on finances. Raising a family on one income or relying on an ex-spouse for child support, can be one of the hardest aspects of parenting alone. That's why it's important to take steps to budget your money, learn about long-term investments, plan for college and retirement, and, if possible, enhance your earning power by going back to school or getting additional job training.

2. Set up a support system. All single parents need help -- whether it's someone to watch the kids while you run out to do errands or simply someone to talk to when you feel overwhelmed. While it's tempting to try to handle everything alone, ask friends and family members for help. You can join a single-parent support group, or, if finances allow, hire a trusted sitter to help out with the kids or someone to assist with housework.

3. Maintain a daily routine. Try to schedule meals, chores, bedtimes, and other family functions at regular hours so that your child knows exactly what to expect each day. A consistent routine will help your child feel more secure and help you feel more organized.

4. Be consistent with discipline. Children thrive when they know which behaviors are expected of them and which rules they need to follow. If you are divorced or separated, try to work with your spouse to create and observe consistent rules and methods of discipline. (There's nothing more stressful than having one parent undermine the other.) If your child has other caregivers, talk to them about how you expect your child to be disciplined.

5. Answer questions honestly. Inevitably, questions will come up about the changes in your family, or about the absence of one parent. Answer your child's questions in an open, honest, and age-appropriate way. Make sure that your child gets the help and support he needs to deal with difficult emotions.

6. Treat kids like kids. With the absence of a partner, it's sometimes tempting to rely too heavily on children for comfort, companionship, or sympathy. But children have neither the emotional capacity nor the life experience to act as substitute adult partners. If you find yourself depending on your kids too much, or expressing your frustrations to them, seek out adult friends and family members to talk to. Or seek counseling if necessary.

7. Abolish the word "guilt" from your vocabulary. It's always easy for single parents to feel guilty about the time they don't have or the things they can't do or provide for their children. But for your own sense of well-being, it's better to focus on all the things you do accomplish on a daily basis and on all the things you do provide -- and don't forget about all the love, attention, and comfort you're responsible for! (If you ever question your day-to-day achievements, just make a list.) If you're feeling guilty about a divorce or other disruption in your home life, think about joining a support group for other divorced parents. Focus on helping your child (and yourself) get the help you need.

8. Take time for your children. Even though the piles of laundry and dirty dishes may beckon, set aside time each day to enjoy your kids. (After all, isn't that what parenting is all about?) Spend quiet time playing, reading, going for a walk, or simply listening to music together. And most important, focus on the love between you and on your relationship as a family.

9. Take time for yourself. Likewise, it's important to schedule time for yourself. Even if it's something as simple as reading a book, taking a warm bath, or having a chat with a friend, setting aside a little personal time will give you a chance to refuel.

10. Stay positive. It's easy to become overwhelmed by all the responsibilities and demands of single parenthood. On top of that, you may be experiencing the pain of divorce, separation, or the death of a spouse. Despite all of your own feelings, though, it's important to maintain a positive attitude, since your children are affected by your moods. The best way to deal with stress is to exercise regularly, maintain a proper diet, get enough rest, and seek balance in your life. If you feel sad sometimes, it's okay; but be sure to let your children know that they are not the cause of your problems--and good times like ahead of you.

June 2010

Disciplining children is one of the key jobs of any parent – maybe the most important job a parent has. But whether or not that discipline should include

spanking or other forms of corporal punishment is a far trickier issue. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), with over 60,000 members nationwide,

does not endorse spanking for any reason, citing its lack of long-term effectiveness as a behavior-changing tactic. Instead the AAP supports strategies

such as "time-outs,” praising good behavior, suffering consequences (both natural and logical), and removal of privileges, among other things.

Now, researchers at Tulane University provide some of the strongest evidence yet against the use of spanking: of the nearly 2,500 youngsters in their study, those who were spanked more frequently at age 3 were more likely to be aggressive by age 5. The research supports earlier work on corporal punishment, such

as a study by Duke University researchers that revealed that infants who were spanked at 12 months scored lower on cognitive tests at age 3.

"There is now some nice hard data that can back up clinicians when they share their caution with parents against using corporal punishment," says Dr. Jayne Singer, clinical director of the child and parent program at Children's Hospital Boston, who was not involved in the study.

The Tulane study, led by Catherine Taylor, was the first to control simultaneously for variables that are most likely to confound the association between

spanking and later aggressive behavior. The researchers accounted for factors such as acts of neglect by the mother, violence or aggression between

the parents, maternal stress and depression, the mother's use of alcohol and drugs, and even whether the mother considered abortion while pregnant

with the child.

Each of these factors contributed to children's aggressive behavior at age 5, but they could not explain all of the violent tendencies at that age. Further, the positive connection between spanking and aggression remained strong, even after these factors had been accounted for.

"The odds of a child being more aggressive at age 5 if he had been spanked more than twice in the month before the study began increased by 50%,"

says Taylor. And because her group also accounted for varying levels of natural aggression in children, the researchers are confident that "it's not just

that children who are more aggressive are more likely to be spanked."

What the study, published in the professional journal Pediatrics, shows is that outside of the most obvious factors that may influence violent behavior

in children, spanking still remains a strong predictor. "This study controls for the most common risk factors that people tend to think of as being

associated with aggression," says Singer. "This adds more credence, more data, and more strength to the argument against using corporal punishment."

Among the mothers who were studied, nearly half (45.6%) reported no spanking in the previous month; 27.9% reported spanking once or twice;

and 26.5% reported spanking more than twice. Compared with children who were not hit, those who were spanked were more likely to be defiant,

demand immediate satisfaction of their wants and needs, get frustrated easily, have temper tantrums, and lash out physically against others.

The reason for that, says Singer, may be that spanking instills fear rather than understanding. Even if a child were to stop his screaming tantrum

when spanked, that doesn't mean he understands why he shouldn't be acting out in the first place. What's more, spanking models aggressive

behavior as a solution to problems.

For children to understand what and why they have done something wrong, it may take repeated efforts on the parent's part, using time-outs - a

strategy that typically involves denying the child any attention, praise or interaction with parents for a specified period of time (that is, the parents

ignore the child). These quiet times force children to calm down and learn to think about their emotions, rather than acting out on them blindly.

Now, I personally know from previous articles I’ve written on this subject that there are parents who believe very strongly and passionately in corporal

punishment. Often they cite the Bible as a source for defending the practice. However, many ministers today are speaking out against that

interpretation of scripture. To give an example, the Reverend Dr. Thomas E. Sagendorf, a United Methodist minister, says, “I can find no sanction

in the teachings of Jesus or the witness of the New Testament to encourage the practice of corporal punishment. The attitude of Jesus toward

children was wise, loving, and filled with compassion. Anyone who takes seriously Jesus' Sermon on the Mount will immediately see that it's inconceivable that Jesus of Nazareth--compassionate as he was toward the weak and powerless--would ever sanction or participate in violence toward children. It’s hard

to conceive of Jesus hitting a child on any occasion or for any reason. Jesus was overwhelmingly committed to non-violent response. A number of

voices, however, do take a different view, often quoting Old Testament scriptures to prove their point; but those who subscribe to this argument

misunderstand and misuse scripture. A similar method of selective reading could just as well be used to justify slavery, suppression of women,

polygamy, incest, and infanticide.”

I am well aware that some parents who condone corporal punishment will never be convinced by scientific research that it is not effective; and

certainly that is their right. I am merely sharing this newest information, and you can do with it what you like. It is, indeed, true that spanking may

stop a child from misbehaving in the short term; however, it becomes less and less effective with repeated use, according to the AAP. It also makes

discipline more difficult as the child gets older and outgrows spanking. As the latest study shows, investing the time early on to teach a child why

his behavior is wrong may translate to a youngster who is more self-aware and in control later on.